You Say It Best When You Say 'You Suck'
by Spirit of Water - Aqueria
Summary: Due to some random twist of fate, Juudai and Edo get stuck in a toolshed. Oh, did I mention one of them is unconscious?
1. Royally Screwed

Ok.

If I said we (as in the 'time lord' and I) are screwed, that would just belittle the situation by shrinking it with a shrink ray because we are not screwed—we are **royally** screwed with a capital S, a capital C, a capital R, and capitals E-W-E-D if 'ewed' is even a four-letter word in the dictionary. You can gawk at me like I'm crazy and ask, "_Why are you saying this, Juudai_?" in which I will take the shovel lying next to me and ram my skull into it, hoping to pass out from the impact. Yes, I am crazy. I am crazy like a fox. You would be crazy like a fox too if you were stuck in my predicament. Here I am, an innocent 16-year-old boy who has never produced a single perverted thought outside my own little bubble of food, dueling, and friends suddenly thrown into a chaotic universe where my self-conscience is a bigger threat than the spiders weaving webs into the crack of the decaying walls. This chaotic universe consists of a rickety old toolshed, accompanied by a colossal storm brewing outside, the prospect of spending another hour with no heat and no water—

"…'_tousan…"_

—and to top it all off, there is a person of the same gender lying on top of me right now.

Yeah, about that bubble? He has already intruded my mental bubble as well as my physical one; I mean he **burst **my bubble of personal space after a little accident. Now I'm really uncomfortable. It has less to do with the water seeping into my socks and more to do with his hands curling around my body. I draw a breath as he squirms around and finds a comfortable, non-bony spot on my chest to sink his head in. Under the thin layer of my shirt, I feel his cheek press against my ribcage. His lips move up and down and inaudible words escape his mouth. I swear I'll go insane if he continues keeping this up.

_He's not doing this on purpose to torture you_, I keep telling myself in an attempt to retain my sanity. _His body on autopilot is just seeking a heat source and you're the main furnace in this toolshed right now. It's a completely natural survival instinct that kicked in when the storm took a turn for the worse and he lost consciousness in a misfortune that was your fault. _

Well, I know for a fact that a conscious Edo Phoenix would never degrade himself to hugging another person's torso for heat no matter how cold it is outside, but this isn't a conscious Edo Phoenix lying on top of me. Oh, no, Kami-sama decided to award my heroic deeds of saving mankind from being obliterated by presenting me with an **unconscious** Edo Phoenix. (Some reward.)

_Even so, you're older than him. You're more mature than him. He's expecting you to look out for him while his mind lollygags on vacation in the Bahamas. _

Pfft, my self-conscience is so off the target it's not even funny. He's not expecting me to look out for him…as a matter of fact I think he'd get angry if I did look out for him. Edo can do fine without my help; he beat me in a duel after all. You may think, "_So what_?" but you got to understand my mind frame. I'm still a tad bit bitter about my defeat (just a _tad_) and his sassy personality isn't doing anything to help repair the stitches of resentment. But at this present moment and time, he's neither sassy nor arrogant for he's unconscious and he's on top of me, twitching all suggestively—oh sorry, did I mention that already?

Edo mumbles some more and no matter how close his mouth is to my body, I'm unable to distinguish his words. He's saying a word starting with the letter 't'. But let's face it—playing guessing games with his English lingo isn't my biggest priority right now. My biggest priority is to stay alive and stay _sane_ until this storm is over. Believe you me, the latter of the two will be twice as hard to accomplish. Darned hormonal stages.

..._sigh_. I think it's time for us to assess the situation.

Number one—There is a huge storm outside that's preventing either of us from leaving the current shelter apparatus. It's huge. **HUGE**. I can't even describe how huge it is with mere words. I would have to drag you into this moldy toolshed so you could wince when the ice-cold droplets of rainwater leak from the roof onto your forehead and feel the blasts of chilly March wind make the hairs on your skin stand up to an end. Yeah. I'm no math genius like Misawa but mathematically speaking: Huge storm plus no heat plus **wet wet wet** equals a perfect opportunity for hypothermia to strike. (I want an A for the quarter, Chronos-sensei.)

Number two—I'm caught between two bi-temperatures of freezing-my-butt-off cold thanks to the weather and ridiculously hot because of Mr. Time Lord who _insists on attaching himself around my waist._ (Damn you Edo, just damn you!)

And lovely number three—I can't push said boy in question off because I'm a sissy and I don't want to be accused of attempted molestation once he wakes up. Edo and I are barely on good terms (we're on talkable terms; I guess I have to thank Mizuchi for that) and if he magically regains conscious on a precisely wrong moment to find himself in this depraved situation, he might just get the wrong idea and I'll be in this big lollapalooza orgy before my high school education ends.

Yeah, things are great. Fabulous. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my Friday afternoon: stuck in a wooden shack, teeth chattering, heart pounding, surrounded by sweaty gym equipment, and to top the sundae with a cherry—having Edo Phoenix lie on top of me.

...damn it!


	2. Plans A and B

Alright. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Maybe you don't understand my situation. You probably don't. Most people don't have to deal with father-avenging, deck-copying playboys unconsciously groping them in toolsheds whilst trying to survive the storm without ending up with a fever. Unfortunately, I'm not most people. You see, the truth is that I'm actually very oblivious to a lot of things in life. I can't distinguish a sexual innuendo from a maple tree if it were labeled in big red letters and posted on my front door. As a matter of fact, if Edo's gauche position was switched with anybody else in this world, I would have an _entirely_ different feeling about the current situation.

Had Shou been lying on top of me…I would inwardly go '_awww_' and pat him on the head while he slept. He's my best friend and I'm his Aniki and our relationship goes way back, it's deep and profound and I'd stew myself solid if anything ever happened to him. Shou's such a chibi and I want to hug sometimes like a squishy little teddy bear. So there would be no perverted thoughts towards Shou—just some brotherly affection.

Had Kenzan been lying on top of me…I would probably have to see Ayukawa-sensei because of broken bones. There's a mere several months difference in our ages yet he has the physique of a bodybuilder that would make David Hasselhoff's muscles look like inflatable balloons. I would probably be too crushed and gasping for oxygen to think any embarrassing thoughts.

Had Manjyome been lying on top of me…I would hold my breath and valorously play dead until he wakes up because he has the decency to not hit an unconscious guy, right? **Right**? Ever since Manjyome transformed into his alter-ego 'White Thunder' he's been even more vicious to me than before. Last year, we shared an uneasy friendship laced with one-sided rivalry but now it's just _rawr_! He acts like he wants to slice off my head and serve it on a silver platter.

Had Asuka been lying on top of me…I would…wow…well, first of all, I would never speak of this incident to Kanda lest some poor Hikari no Kesshain be cleaning out my bloodstains from their white carpet. Secondly, I don't know if I'd be aroused seeing as girls don't affect me that way. (Sara is an exception.) I'd be more afraid whether or not she scraped her knee from the accident.

Had Saiou b—let's_ not_ go into that one.

But this isn't Shou or Manjyome or Saiou we're talking about: This is Edo, the Edo Phoenix, pretty boy extraordinaire whose image is printed on numerous blown-up posters that are taped to the bedroom walls of a million and one fangirls. Edo with his nuclear green tongue simply makes me feel weird (in a completely non-taboo and platonic way) inside despite the fact he is a spoiled brat, being a professional duelist at age fifteen is a terrifying prospect, and his unbelievably tragic past is awe-inspiring to behold. For some strange, undefined, nonsensical, _wholly perverse reason_, I just feel different whenever Edo's around. So it's not solely the temperament of the situation that's making me uncomfortable beyond measures but the situation combined with the fact that **he's** the one top of me...because...I don't know...Edo just knocks over the scales of balance by being _him_. _Him. HIM._

Am I making no sense?

Yeah, that usually happens when I'm deprived of food for longer than an hour.

Now I have to calm myself down before I start hyperventilating. Ok, Juudai, take deep breaths. Release all that bottled up emotion. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

...who am I_ kidding_? I better quit while I'm ahead because no surplus of breathing is going to be any good when all that oxygen is going down to my pants instead of my brain. I'll try undertaking another approach: **Positive thinking**.

Why, what _am _I doing? I shouldn't be viewing the glass half empty because the truth is it's actually a glass half full! One should not think of the existing state of affairs as Yuuki Juudai being a perverted (or gay, as clearly mentioned above) teenager whose raging levels of testosterone overwhelm the entire toolshed, when one can think in a positive manner and say that Yuuki Juudai is actually doing his fill of community service. The bare truth is that the Edo needs the Juudai because in this current situation, hypothermia is lurking just around the corner and the Juudai does not need to be in deeper doo-doo than he already is. So by being a human heat pillow, Yuuki Juudai is actually doing Edo Phoenix a big fat favor.

Ah-ha.

So this is how I'm going to convince myself that Edo really does need me and the only reason why I'm not pushing him off is because he desperately requires my precious body heat—**NOT** because I'm succumbing to the sudden influx of my hormones even though his vulnerable state makes him extremely easy to take advantage of. Wow, I deserve a gold medal for my philanthropy.

…and Kenzan really _is_ related to a dinosaur.

Man, what a lose-lose situation. If I touch him, I won't be able to enjoy it because of my guilty conscience. If I don't touch him, I _still_ won't be able to enjoy it. The gears in my mind are whirling at such a velocity I swear I'll mentally shut down. RAWR! Enough fooling around—I gotta get serious. Time for plan B: **Straightforwardness**.

"Get off me." So I'm being absurdly blunt. But honestly, I don't care if he actually heard my words or not. I prod him. "Get. Off. Me. Please."

In response, he moans gently and the soft waft of his breath rushes over my face.

"…pretty _please_?"

Another moan.

Well that plan backfired horribly to say the very least.


	3. Otousan?

I am getting so fed up with this. My resolve hardens and I stare at Edo's ever-so-close face with utmost determination to finally get him to wake up. Then out of the blue, he wiggles into a more comfortable position on my chest and something else hardens. All these sexy wiggles are really beginning to do a number on me. Why does he have to be like this anyway? Edo just can't stay still as a statue and humbly absorb my body heat, oh no, he has to be all wiggly and twitchy and make little moaning noises while he's at it. (Gee. I bet he treats all his pillows like this.)

"…'_tousan_…"

My train of thought flies off the railroad tracks when I hear that enigmatic 't' word AGAIN. What **is** he talking about? The speech coming out of his mouth is so soft I can't possibly decipher its meaning.

"…_p-please don't go…don't go away…"_

Despite the gauche predicament the fates have stuck me in, I try to listen. I ignore his groping hands and hold my breath in order to hear his hushed mumbling, though I'll end up passing out from the lack of oxygen if he's speaking in English. Edo's eyebrows furrow together and he scrunches up his face as if in pain.

"…_don't leave me…'tousan…don't…**don't go**!" _

Panic laces his voice and it rises in hysteria. His breathing becomes hard and ragged. Limbs begin thrashing around. Fingers ensnare themselves into the folds of my blazer so tightly that his knuckles turn white. Even a dolt like me can recognize the symptoms of a nightmare but what I didn't expect was getting a lesson on the consequences of being a person around the nightmare-victim when Edo unexpectedly begins to twist and turn around on my body. His limbs find themselves in unwanted places like my stomach while his fingers no longer clutch my shirt but inste—_why is he reaching there_?

Oh. My. God.

I do the only thing that makes sense during this moment of complete, utter chaos: I throw Edo off me. Edo goes flying against the wall and the back of his head hits the sweet spot of a tennis racket's frame. I only have enough breath to mutter a prayer to the gods that his neck didn't snap from the impact because a second later my vocal cords clog up. Shit. Shit. Shit.

The phoenix has woken.

"…OTOUSAN!"

Sapphire eyes snap open. Edo's whole body lurches forward and he's on his knees; gasping for air like a dying man, pupils dilated, beads of liquid trickling down his cheeks, shoulders shaking as if he's experiencing a seizure of some sort.

Then a whole new understanding pervades my mind and my jaw drops out of revelation. Otousan? You mean all this time…all those wiggles and moans and the screaming… Edo was dreaming about his _father_? Now that's just creepy because as most people I'm acquainted with don't mumble about their parents in their sleep.

A groan snaps me out of my thoughts. Edo seems to have regained his senses. He sweeps a hand through his hair while baby blue eyes dart around the clammy toolshed.

"What am I doing here?" he mutters. "What did you…?"

"Erm, uh, I didn't do anything to you! Really!" I exclaim sheepishly, laughing, before he has a chance to accuse me of performing acts of ecchi-ness.

He scrunches up his nose. "Stop speaking nonsense. I don't understand what you're saying," Edo grumbles and shakes his head as if to ward off an invisible mosquito.

Then his eyes narrow. My face pales as white as a sheet. I better get well acquainted with the folks down at the CPA 'cause I'll be seeing them quite often now that Edo's putting two plus two together in a way only he can do. I hold my breath and mentally brace myself for an onslaught of false accusations and spit attacking my face—

—_achoo!_

I blink. Well, the latter of the two eventually happened though this **is** rather unexpected.

"Are you ok…?"

My hands automatically search through the pockets of my blazer to see if I have a packet of tissues before realizing even if I had any, they'd be soak to the core and provide very little help if not make things worse. Anyhow, I need them more. I gingerly wipe the sides of my cheek with my sleeve to remove his salvia; my Osiris jacket is quite wet indeed but I still see tiny dark specks appear on the fabric once I'm done cleaning my face. _Ewww_.

"…it's **freezing**," Edo complains after a moment's recovery and just to emphasis his point, his teeth chatters as he talks. "I'm getting out of here."

He stands up and walks over to the exit. I bite my lip.

"Uh, Edo, you shouldn't—"

"Shut up!"

He grasps the handle of the door and I brace myself for the horror that awaited us. The next three seconds is like experiencing the wrath of a goddess raining wrath bullets onto the land below. Edo closes the door.

"..."

His face is covered with water and there are leaves and twigs tangled in his hair. He has the most deadpanned expression in the world.

"Told you so," I grumble in a quiet voice.

"_Shut up_!"

"Edo, I think—"

_Achoo! _

"—you need a tissue."

He's really starting to get sick, isn't he? Edo recovers from his moment of involuntary reflex, and then shoots a glare at me again as if his bad health was my fault. Instead of challenging that glare, I look away. It's still pouring buckets of water and from the sounds of it, the storm isn't going to let down any time soon...

...change of plans: Now I'm stuck here with a _conscious _Edo Phoenix.

WTF.


End file.
